Sounds

My moods have been very wild the last couple of day.
I do not know what is going on.
But I just want to spend countless hours writing everything down.
Today, I have been cleaning my bedroom.
The one room in the house that is used the most but only for sleep.
I have the window open,
I love the sounds I hear.
Boys laughing.
Steve laughing
leaves crunching
Birds chirping
Dogs playing
Chatter
music
I love the sounds of the world around me.
Especially when it is peaceful.

These are a few of my favorite things;

I love This song.
" Rain drops on rose and whiskers on kittens,
Bright cooper kettles and warm woolen mittens."

I was thinking of this today. And I thought of my favorite things:
Warm fires
My boys
Smiles
Baby toes
A good book
and a warm blanket.
I love to bake goodies and feed my family and friends.
I love good music, music with feeling.
I Love the holidays and the memories of yesterday.
These are a few of my favorite things.
I know I could go on and on.

My friends remember the good stuff.
Cherish the memories.

I take 2 steps forward, and 2 steps back.

You remember that song don't you?
By Paula Abdul.
No, I am not talking about the "Opposites Attract" part. Just the motions.
Right now I am at one of those cross roads. Though my journey in school really has just begun.
I find that I am at a place where if I do not step back, I would be hurting myself and my goal.
Its not really where I want to be, but it is where I am at.
I am going to have to repeat some of the classes that I have just taken.
Now to get to the simple part, but the one that makes me swallow my pride. I am going to have to Audit a class ASL 2 and repeat ASL 3. I lost something along the way. And to make sure I get it right. I have to repeat steps 2 and 3.
Though my heart is sad and my pride is hurt. I know that it is the right move for me.
In the long run for everyone. I look at the goal, the bigger picture. And though it is slowing becoming bigger. Sometimes it has to look a little smaller as well.

thoughts.......

I love working, I miss my children.
I love fall, it reminds me of snuggling with my Granny.
Fall and winter are the times I miss her the most. I miss her house, and all the delicious smells that wafted from her walls. I remember stepping into the doorways and getting slammed with these sweet smells of the holidays. What was so amazing to me was that all the weekends that the family would be together were her holidays. It wasn't just Christmas or Thanksgiving that were important to her. I miss her perfume, and her screaming at us not to twirl the chairs. I miss her kicking up out of the kitchen because there was not enough room for all the kids to be in there. I miss listening to her LOUD music at dawn when she would want us up to get ready for church. I miss playing with her finger nails during the church service and her bring marshmallows for us to snack on( the quiet snack).

The first true day of fall.

Today is the first official day of Fall.
And what a day it is, a cold front came through and dropped the temperature way down.
It has been comfortable, but now it is cool. It will be this way for a couple of days.
Sweatshirts here I come.
I have been in the mood to just sit and write a lot.
But when I think about what I want to write.
I am blank.
I use to write all the time. Now there is nothing.
It bothers me.
Maybe it is why I don't get to read much either.
I just never seem to have enough time to sit and enjoy.
Well, there are a lot of other things going on in this head of mine.
But how to get the words out just are not there.
I will try again next time.

Fall

Fall is coming! Fall is coming!!
I love the Fall!
I love watching the leaves change color and begin to fall from the trees.
I love the crisp cool air that blows in.
I love warm sweatshirts and fuzzy blankets to wrap up in.
I love watching the boys play in the leaves.
Of all the times of year. Fall is my favorite, then Spring.
As I was driving my normal drive to work, I have noticed something these last couple of days. There is a difference in the trees as they sway in the Indian summer breeze. Their color!
It is no longer a full, bright green. But a faded green, golden green,yellowy. It is not easy to notice if you are whizzing by. But if you look slowly, breathing deeply. You will see it. It is there. The first signs of Fall.
I also notice that the air in the morning feels different too. Softer than the summer air.
It relaxes me.
It excites me.
It inspires me

ATTACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am on a mission.
That will take me MONTHS to complete.
I am cleaning the house from top to bottom. And throwing things away that I have no more use for!
It has been a new start in our house. Though there are piles everywhere of things that I must go though. But I am on a mission all the same. I am attacking those piles that drive me insane. And before to long I will no longer have them to worry about. They will have been tore apart and taken down.
I am attacking my house. It will not win this time!

AM I?

So there have been a few many questions that have been rumbling through my mind. I am a different person than I was six months ago, I am now a full time employee,a full time wife, a full time mother, a 3/4 time student, a friend, a daughter, and the list goes on and on.
I AM OVERWHELMED!
I have started to feel that I am failing at quite a few of my job titles as of late.
When I get home from work I have spent my day working not very hard, but I seem to be too tired to do anything. But shouldn't it be the other way around. Should I not be as tired as I am to be a better someone?
I know that I am a good Mother, I love my children with my whole being, but am I being a good parent by letting things continue when I need certain things to be different?
WHY DO I HAVE TO SETTLE FOR THINGS TO BE ONE WAY WHEN I NEED AND WANT THEM TO BE DIFFERENT?
Why do I have to have no control over things that truly are in my job description. Is it because I am not as strong as I think I am, or that I choose to not fight hard enough for what I know in my own heart to be right?
It is some major time for some soul searching.
It is time to decide if I am going to start doing what I know to be right in my heart.

It is Sunday morning, the boys are with their Papa and Nana, I am sitting outside laptop in hand and music playing. I have been working on my homework this morning, Trying to make a dent in the unending task ahead of me. The air is cool, and the birds seem to be singing with the music as it plays. I have finally found a place to listen to music with few commercials to interrupt my train of thought. It is so peaceful right now. But the day is fixing to really start and we have baseball. As I sit here I start seeing all the things that need to be done. The messes to clean and the little time I have to do it all. I know these are choices I make, but the more I see of these piles that grow and come alive when I walk into a room, I start to loose my footing, I almost start to have a panic attack, my heart races and I can hardly breathe. This all seems to follow me, everywhere I go.
But I still sit here instead of tackling something. I need a game plan, a plan of attack.
I can no longer retreat for this monster. I have to face it head on.
CHARGE

Stressed to the point of hiccups

Yes, you have read that correctly. I stressed myself out so much yesterday that I had hiccups 5 times before the night was over. I would have to stop what I was doing, stretch, breath and drink something. I started my summer classes yesterday and I was feeling very overwhelmed.
So today the game plan is to read alot, and work alot.
I have tons to do before Sunday. So off I go, I will try to avoid the hiccups.

Surreal moments and new roads

I have had something hit home this last week. Something I do not understand nor have I experienced. I have a feeling that this will not be the last time, but the first time, its humbling. Even to the person that is on on the outside looking in. A dear friend has found a mass on her breast. The steps have been fast, and the out come is still unknown. I will not release the name.
But for a dear friend please PRAY. Lift up my friend with me as she struggles with this. I pray that I can be there for her as she needs me to be. Even if its only to forget for that moment what is going on.
I have had relatives with cancers in the past, when I was a child, my husbands uncle died from cancer 3 years ago. But for some reason, today this hits my heart harder.
I know its not because I loved my family less. It has just hit different.
I will keep posting as I keep thinking of things to say, feeling I have about all this.

School, home, and everything in between

Okay, so I have been struggling these last few weeks with my LAZINESS.

I will be open and honest about all of this, I am lazy.

I hate having to pick up after myself as well as 3 men in the house. I hate picking up smelly socks, and dirty clothes. I hate washing the dishes in the sink that have been sitting there for days.
But If I dont, no one will.
So I have now tried to will myself alittle more to be better about the house work and all. By the way, it totally is not going well. I feel like I am never home and then when I am, who wants to clean. My new goal is working on the house more often and regularly.
School is going well. I have my last final on Wednesday, I think I will do well on it. I am a bit nervous. Then in 2 weeks classes begin again
So, life is moving right along!
Until next time!

Wind and the bees

Ok, I know that sounds so weird. But I am sitting at my desk at work, and outside there are some trees that attract bees to it. The bee's have been busy with this plant for days now. You can walk under the tree and the bee's do not even seem to know you are there they are so occupied with the task at hand.
Today we have high winds,which as of late has been the norm, for us around here. But these bee's are desperately trying to stay on task. It is interesting to watch the collective work it wonders.
HMMM, honey, that really is starting to sound delicious on a warm biscuit..
My mouth is watering...

Sweet Music

I need music today. I need to hear sounds of instruments being played. When I hear the music I see the person playing, and the music filling their souls. As it does mine. I try so hard to just not ever have the tv on when I am home and have music playing. Sometimes I wish I didnt have a television. But then I love my shows way to much, I become addicted to the weekly tales.
So now I immerse myself into the sweet sounds. For a little while.

A picture

I have been working on a project for school these last couple of weeks.

It is a scrapbook of my life and micro- cultures in which I exist.
It is also things that have shaped my life.
I think one of the greatest things that has shaped who I am has been my Granny.
I have been staring at her picture for the last couple of days.
I miss her greatly and her words of wisdom.
But I know that I am making her proud by doing something God has called me to do.
And though I might not know what is in the future. I know that I am doing what I was intended to do. If I had made this book a year ago, I do not think it would look the same as it does now. I think there would be many holes in it. Not as many pages would be filled.
I do not look at my life the same as I once did. And I try to not take advantage of them either.
So, with that. I know I hold my head High.
And as I stare into her blue eyes. I know Granny is busy in heaven rocking the babies or singing with the angels. She is proud of all of her children and grandchildren and great grandchildren. And when we all meet in heaven what a reunion that will be.

Just breathe

I feel like the wind has been knocked out of me, and I have been breathless for months. Waiting for the bottom to drop out of this bad luck streak we have seem to have had. Kevin has been unemployed for 6 months now. With few job offers and even fewer interviews. He has only had one interview. One in 6 months. Tomorrow he will have interview number 2. I feel like I can almost breath again. He so wants this job. It will suit our family so well. Now I just pray. Please pray with us. Pray for direction and guidance, wisdom and an open heart to what is in-store for us. So tomorrow at 3 lift him up with me.

Tuesday

Its Tuesday, nothing special about today. It is just a day. I am sitting here wanting to do something other than twiddle my thumbs and stare out the windows. So writing seemed to be a good option. But my thoughts are interrupted, so I tend not to think. Not to much anyway. I am beginning to worry, not that that is already a trait that is well within my normal standards. But my worries are now beginning to manifest into restless nights and anxieties about our future. My husband has been unemployed now for 6 months. It has been six very long months, though my children have benefited from him being at home. I grow an ulcer, no not really.
It just feels like it.
I know I need to have more faith than i do. So if you have sat down and read these lines of mine. Please take a moment to pray for us. That God will guide my family, and that a job for my husband will open its doors. That it will be something he can be proud of. And that it will allow him to be apart of the family life he has begun to enjoy.

Impatient

I have been waiting what seems like forever for news from FASFA.
Ok so what is FASFA, well it is the financial aid stuff. Very formal professional term hu?
I have been waiting for what seems like a lifetime to find out about my loans or grants or whatever will come in the form of help for me to continue with school. Waiting kills me, I want to know NOW!
I know it sounds childish all.
I feel like my world is in limbo waiting for a response from the school. But in all reality all it is. I am not PATIENT! So for today, I am trying to work on that and become more aware, and acknowledge that its all in Gods mighty hand.

The journey

I have opened my eyes to the realization that this journey I am on is just at the beginning stages. That where some people at the same point in their lives a mother, a wife; are at a different stage. I am at the beginning of my journey. See I have done things different. I have not let myself search for its path till now. I have lived then now began to search for direction and location of where God wants me to be. But maybe that was His intentions all along. Maybe I needed to live a little and grab perspective first so I could enjoy what is left of my wonderful life. Okay so now you are wondering where this all came from. Well, I am working on a project for school, a self analysis, and I find that my path is in the middle of something new. I am at a cross roads, that only I can look at and decide where it will take me next. I pray that as I follow these next steps that they are where GOD wants me to be.

Fog

So as I headed to my car from class tonight there was thick layer of fog that had just touched everything on the campus. Sometimes I like fog. Tonight though was not one of those occasions. My car was not cooperating with me as I drove home and I prayed all the way home that I would make it home in one piece. Then as I looked around I noticed how the fog glides across the roadways, and in and out of the lights. I noticed that it touches the valleys and misses the hills. Its amazing how it settles and then moves all at once.
Then I started thinking about what God does for us, and how he settles into our hearts, He reaches for those low lying areas and moves them ever so slowly. He hold our hand as He moves this ugliness around and makes it dance and sway into something beautiful and gracious.
So then I thought how I would love for God to take a hold of all the low areas in my life, and move them around and make them sway and move, molding them into the way my life needs to be.
What a deep thought for the night.

Out of control

I feel like my life is spiraling out of control. The one thing that drives me crazy is my house. IT IS AWFUL. I seem never to get a handle on it. Even when I was a stay at home mom I could never get my house clean or it to stay clean. And I would work at it.I have piles of clean clothes and they need to be put up but then I dont have the time to put them up. I feel like ALL I do is run run run.
When I am not at school, I am at baseball practice, when I am not at practice I am running errands. I am never home.
I need to get a grip and take control of my home. My kids need to have a clean home and so do I. Before I pull my hair out.

I am also starting to really worry about K not finding work. It has been almost 6 months and he has only had 1 interview. I know it is hard times, and I know I need to pray more about our situation. I just dont want to loose our home, even with it being messy.

A breath of fresh air

I went for a study group this afternoon. I instead got a breath of fresh air sent to me by an angel of God. I have been given this wonderful group of ladies friends, and one of these sweet ladies took my hands and said, focus on GOD. You are all dried up inside, Focus on God.
She prayed with me, cried with me and tell me she just LOVED ME.
I am thankful for her, she is truly a gift from GOD.

Hello

I have noticed that I have a place for my family adventures. But I do not have any place for just thoughts. So I have started this to have a place to write thoughts and saying. A place to encourage myself and others along the way. Here we go!